RBF Versus RBG

Let me start out by saying I’ve had no “work” done aside from the sort of work that life does to you via too many late nights and too much stress. Probably the most effective work that life’s done to me is giving me a serious case of myopia which has had the effect of a lifetime spent mostly squinting.

What I’m getting at here folks is that I have wrinkles. I’ve got some lovely smile lines around my eyes, this one weird ass wrinkle that showed up about 3 months ago above my lip, and a super impressive set of Elevens plus a friend between my eye brows. Continue reading

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Pooping May Kill

I know, I know. That title may come off as a bit extreme and even perhaps misleading because we all know that its far more likely that not pooping would be a more probable cause of death. But recent events have led me to believe that all those famous folks who are reported to have died on the toilet were probably not simply victims of bad hearts or poorly timed drug overdoses. Nay, they were most likely victims of poorly aligned vertebrae. Anecdotal evidence only holds so much credence, but seriously, it is possible to put your back out while using the toilet. And when that happens, you may just want to die right there on the commode like the rockstar you are. Continue reading

Truth and Risks

I am not a risk taker. This is my truth. I have tried to be a risk-taker on a few occasions and they always landed on the side of “less than awesome” and more than once it was a god-awful experience.

That is not to say that I haven’t engaged in some terribly risky behavior. But there is a difference between doing something stupid and impetuous and taking a calculated risk. Stupid, I can do. Calculated is apparently not so much of my forté.

Of course, I was better at being calculated and risk-taking back in the days when I didn’t care if I walked the tightrope of life without a net. But now I’m not alone in this venture and I worry about how my actions will impact folks I love. Continue reading

The Wisdom Is A Lie

You can find anything on the internet these days. It might not bear much likeness to any truth you’ve ever experienced, but you can find it if you can Google. Back when I was a whippersnapper in the 70s and 80s, we spent an inordinate amount of time learning to distinguish good resources from the crap ones. That is a lesson I wouldn’t wish upon any teacher or librarian these days as the line between complete hogwash and truth is a very fine one these days. Photoshop, CGI, photo and data manipulation has left us all in a more vulnerable place indeed.

There is some pretty convincing crap out there that serves one purpose only: to make you believe. And usually spend money, but that since becoming a parent I’ve been so nickel and dimed by my children and the world, I scarcely notice that part anymore. Continue reading

Bringing The Sexy Back, One Caftan At A Time

Now that's a PERFECT fit!

Now that’s a PERFECT fit!

Last Friday was the start of a hectic weekend for moi. My schedule included going to my friend Heidi Schulz’s book signing at Powells for her new middle grade book o’ excellence, Hook’s Revenge(And yes, that is a link to buy the book at Powell’s, because why not? What are you waiting for???) I also had my first ever bachelorette party to attend on Saturday and a family picnic, as well as work, on Sunday. So, of course, I got sick. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Mister Soandso, being the awesome husband that he is, suggested on Friday that I go shopping for a “new dress” for Saturday night’s festivities. Isn’t he precious? It isn’t that I don’t appreciate him and his suggestions to buy clothes. I do. I just know how these things go. Continue reading

The Universe Gave Me The Hook

Do you ever get the feeling like the universe is messing with you? Like there’s a body out there with a voodoo doll and getting a real good chuckle at your expense? I don’t mean those times when things go real bad and your heart hurts. I mean the Murphy’s Law sorts of things. That kind of jerked-around-by-the-universe kind of stuff.

I’m hope that if there is indeed a voodoo doll wielding person out there, s/he has giggled her/himself right into wet undies. (Yes, I did just hope a voodoo doll wielder suffers from incontinence. No, I don’t see a huge issue with this. After all, the only voodoo that works is in relation to a pink box with doughnuts inside of it, right?) Continue reading

Today’s Toilet Talk

As we all know, I have quite the potty mouth. There have been times in my life where I have worked hard, and effectively, at hiding this peccadillo from others, but it remains a fact about me. I have a potty mouth. So, it probably comes as little surprise to my friends that I’ve titled this post “Toilet Talk.” Except, this is actually about a different type of potty.

Like in the actual commode versus in how many different parts of speech can the eff-bomb be correctly used.

It all started innocently enough. I was scrolling through my Twitter tweet-stream when I came upon a tweet by CJ Redwine. (Yes, that awesome YA writer, CJ Redwine.) Anyhoo, like any amazing writer, she posted about the normal stuff of a writer’s life. Or, in this case, about finding a bidet in her hotel room. In fact, here’s the video that she and another writer, MG Buehrlen, posted. Continue reading