Pausing to Breathe

Fall arrived up here on the hill and with it a lashing rain against my window, blowing the leaves to the ground. I don’t mind. This is what fall does — it reminds us of how the winds blow, how life is a series of impermanent moments.

But as the rain rattles against the glass, I am mostly glad for this quiet moment coaxing me to just sit.

To sit and breathe in life and this moment and the chance to pause. Continue reading

Truth and Risks

I am not a risk taker. This is my truth. I have tried to be a risk-taker on a few occasions and they always landed on the side of “less than awesome” and more than once it was a god-awful experience.

That is not to say that I haven’t engaged in some terribly risky behavior. But there is a difference between doing something stupid and impetuous and taking a calculated risk. Stupid, I can do. Calculated is apparently not so much of my forté.

Of course, I was better at being calculated and risk-taking back in the days when I didn’t care if I walked the tightrope of life without a net. But now I’m not alone in this venture and I worry about how my actions will impact folks I love. Continue reading

Take A Leap

Do you remember the first time you played leap frog? I’m betting you were you a kid, still being measured more in terms of months and star stickers than in pounds and inches or tax brackets and degrees. I don’t actually remember my first time. But I know there must have been one.

I hope I was laughing for that first time. Hell knows I haven’t always laughed for all the other first times in my life. My first flat tire, my first “C”, my first cavity, my first tax return, my first delivery, my first gray hair, and so on.

You sure pile up a mess of firsts while living life. Continue reading

I Will Wish As A Mother

My middle child is home sick today. This is the child who tries to negotiate with illness so that she doesn’t miss school. The child who once came down with scarlet fever while we were on vacation…who knows how long she was actually sick before she finally succumbed. She is not and never has been one to appreciate much attention while she’s sick. Just leave her alone and let her sleep.

Which is something I can fully support seeing as that’s how I like to deal with illness. Just leave me alone and let me sleep.

But today, more than anything I want to ignore her wishes. Instead, I wish I could scoop her up in my arms and hold her close. To sit so long and so very still that I can actually feel her heart beating, feel that subtle shake a body makes when it is still of everything beside a tiny breath and a steady heart beat. Continue reading

A Boy and A Dog

I can’t remember a time in my life that there wasn’t either an actual dog or a dog’s spirit in my life. My first dog slept under the covers with me, paws holding down the covers and head on the pillow. I think my 3 year old self pretended we were siblings. I was “picked” by our family’s sheep dog BA…the least bad ass Pyrenees mix ever to grace a sheep ranch. (He did a great job protecting both me and the sheep tho, softie that he was.)

Even if I’ve never really considered myself to be a “dog person”, they’ve always cast a shadow in my life and in my heart. There is something about that happy soul, so glad to see a person that makes life better. And yes, cats and rats and bunnies and horses and all sorts of animals do the same thing. But for lots of folks, there is just something about having a dog in one’s life that makes things better. Continue reading

Being Better

This past week has had 2 of my kids sick with colds and 1 kiddo feeling stiff and sore from running. I’m happy to report that all three are feeling better.

I’m doing better too. I think. I definitely don’t feel quite as madly whirling about the place like a gyroscope that’s lost its bearing. So I guess I am better.

Better – a word of comparison. I’m better than her or him or an earlier version of myself. Continue reading

Happy Times Taste Like Hotdogs

This past weekend was an emotionally tough one for me while at the same time being a pretty decent one. I know, that doesn’t make sense to me either. I suppose it would be more clear if I were to say that my weekend had some highs and lows but for the most part, I felt more stable than not.

Of course, Mister Soandso disagreed with me when I said basically that same thing but what does he know. He isn’t inside my head. Which we can all agree is a a good thing. Continue reading