Starting Between The Smooth Bits

This post has been a long time coming, and I’m not just talking about how little I’ve been blogging of late. No, it’s been a long time coming because I’m typing it from my new dining room, looking out my new windows, upon my new view.

It’s pretty nice to be here, let me tell you.

Moving out of our temporary (Ha! 6 MONTHS!) apartment and into our new house has been a bit of a workout and seeing as how we moved on December 23rd, it was a school vacation filled with more boxes and busyness than relaxation and fun. And, no blogging or other writing at all. Really. The only writing I’ve done has been writing a check for our water bill. Every second of every day has been spent getting ready to move, moving, or getting the chaos under control from moving.

However, it was the year we got a house for Christmas, so no one is complaining too much, even if we are all back to work, school, the daily grind without feeling like we had any break to speak of.

IMG_7147As I was unpacking boxes, I ran across a little thing that languished for 6 months in my underwear drawer and then another 6 months in a cardboard box. I had completely forgotten that I had even written the dang thing, but I am so glad I not only wrote it, but kept it.

Last year on January 9, I gathered with some women friends of mine and we wrote letters of intention to ourselves. I’m going to share some of that letter with you, not because it is so amazing but because something struck me as I sat on my new closet floor and read this letter to myself.

“Dear Self – So 2013 was hard. Lots and lots of self-hatred & anger, plus FEAR with job stuff and the failed query. But that is in the PAST and 2014 is going to be a better year.”

The next line jumped out at me as I read what I had written a year ago.

“Let go and move on to the lightness.”

In hindsight, I don’t really remember what made 2013 such a hard year. Oh, I know what I referred to – I am always fearful when my boundaries get stretched and I took a class in 2013 that really made my head spin. And querying a novel was a hard thing. Like ufdah hard.

But I don’t remember the real hardness of the year. I remember some of it – some of those days when I didn’t think I could get up and put one foot in front of the other ever again. I remember that my bones were deeply weary and that my heart was far too often too heavy to do more than barely beat in my chest.

And yet, I don’t remember it in that visceral way that we often do times of pain and stress. Instead, it’s been tempered by a year of new stresses and pains. Another year of fear and change and being stretched has changed how I remember 2013. Which is a good thing because 2014 turned out to be a good year but a hard year. It’s like how folks say a woman forgets the pain of childbirth, which I’ve always thought is complete hooey. But it’s actually true. Because while I remember how hard and painful it was to bring my babies into this world, time has softened those memories until the pain has been tempered to a dull ache versus a sharp stab.

It’s important to remember the pain, but we don’t need to hold onto the sharpness of that pain.

And maybe that’s what’s so important about finding this letter to myself – being reminded that every year has its hard parts but those hard parts provide us the experience to make better decisions, etc. Over time, we are able to use those hard parts to better appreciate the good parts when their sharpness has been worn down a bit.

Without it, it is too hard to let go and move on to the lightness. We get stuck on the sharp edges and stay where we are. But as it is, we are able to navigate through and toward what lies ahead.

At least, that is how I’m seeing things today. Today, I’m able to see that the hard parts of years past are only things that will help me get to where I want to go in 2015. I’m not foolish enough to believe that 2015 won’t have the same types of days that made 2013 and 2014 so hard. But I made it through those days and I believe I can make it through more.

On to the lightness. Want to join me on the journey?

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3 thoughts on “Starting Between The Smooth Bits

  1. That’s a good one, Kristina, and perhaps especially timely for me today. Looking back, I’ve been thinking of 2014 as being pretty tough. It will always be the year my dad died, for instance, but it was also the year my daughter Amelia had a son after having miscarried five times before. I have hopes yet, that 2015 will be Muuuuuch better. And looking back there were a few other years that were extra hard, and as you say, that pain has dulled, mostly. So 2014 will also, right? Thanks for sharing this one and Big Huge congratulations on the new house, Kristina!

  2. Reblogged this on Rise Like Air and commented:
    Yes, Kristina I certainly do want to join you on your journey onto the lightness. Intention and reflection put life into perspective, past, present and future. Thank you for reminding us that “It’s important to remember the pain, but we don’t need to hold onto the sharpness of that pain.” So true and so important. I think I may just have to sit down and right my own letter this year. Here’s to a brilliant 2015.

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