Last Friday was the start of a hectic weekend for moi. My schedule included going to my friend Heidi Schulz’s book signing at Powells for her new middle grade book o’ excellence, Hook’s Revenge. (And yes, that is a link to buy the book at Powell’s, because why not? What are you waiting for???) I also had my first ever bachelorette party to attend on Saturday and a family picnic, as well as work, on Sunday. So, of course, I got sick. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Mister Soandso, being the awesome husband that he is, suggested on Friday that I go shopping for a “new dress” for Saturday night’s festivities. Isn’t he precious? It isn’t that I don’t appreciate him and his suggestions to buy clothes. I do. I just know how these things go.
I hear the words come out of his mouth and my first reaction is to laugh. Then I think about it. And then I dream.
So, dreamer that I am, off I toddled to the shopping meccas near me. My first thought was, hey, a new pair of cute shoes might be a good idea.
Seventy thousand pairs later, I left without any cute new shoes.
It’s okay, I can shake it off, just shake it off, right? Plan adjusted, and I decide to find myself some cute little dress or ensemble for Saturday night that will look cute with one of the pairs of my practical shoes already gracing my closet. In and out of changing rooms I went until what I really was looking for was a large bottle labeled “Xanax”.
Let’s review some facts. I’m a middle aged woman with three children. I’m short. I’m not thin nor am I morbidly obese. I’m boringly average in just about everything except for the 5’2″ part. Oh, and I have limited funds to spend on silly things like new dresses.
Fashion folks, I’m wondering one thing. What sort of schooling do you folks go through to become designers and such things? I figure it’s more than a class or two down at the Sally Struther’s School of Fashion and Design, right? So if you’ve had all this excellent education in color and fabric and what this does and that doesn’t do, why can’t you make clothes for real people and make those people look great?
The classic female form designers are using to make clothing? That form looks good no matter what. Face it, tall skinny women already look good and in just about anything you dress them in. Even an old tablecloth looks good if you add a belt and a sparkly necklace.
How about instead of getting all smug over your awards for making that body look good, you get busy on a real challenge. Make my body look good.
Seriously, let us real bodied folks give you a challenge. Who cares if you have the design chops to make chartreuse look sexy, I want to know what you can do for cankles and varicose veins. If you can make saddle bags and saggy upper arms look hot, you would be a designer with some serious skill. Want ratings for the next Project Runway to go sky-high? Make a roomful of 50 year olds look fabulous without invoking a single Spanx.
And if you can’t do that, then at least have the decency to make the caftan sexy again.
ps. The only thing I bought all weekend was Heidi’s book. Because books are sexy just like the real people who read them. That and they always fit.