Please Send All the Fat, Sugar and Salt

I’m having one of those days. You know, the kind where you find yourself craving all the fat, sugar, and salt in the world. In other words, you desire an opportunity to eat your feelings. Or chips, salsa, and guacamole chased by a margarita, whatever.

It is seriously not my finest moment. Well, last night when I forgot to get Littlest from his friend’s house until 30 minutes later…that was probably a really not-fine moment. But today is ranking up there too.

It’s like I’m at the epicenter of a storm of pet ownership, menstrual angst, parenting, and career issues. I’m probably only about ten minutes away from being given a new name by the weather bureau. In case you are wondering why I’m so close to flying off the deep end, let me elaborate.

As folks know, it is November and we are heading quickly towards the US holiday, Thanksgiving. (Which falls this year on my 21st wedding anniversary. Turkey flavored cake, honey?) For several years, I have briefly considered participating in the NaNoWriMo writing competition, but never have. However, for some reason I felt this year I should ignore my strongly held beliefs that NaNoWriMo is the worst idea on the planet and participate. (To be honest, it actually is a great thing, it would just be greater in say February when there isn’t as much going on besides stocking up on chocolate which most writers would totally get behind.)

Anyhoo, I’m NaNoing and it’s not going badly, if sleep deprivation and a really messy home aren’t issues for people. They are for me, so I’m not only feeling a bit more crazed than usual, but I keep trying to get sick.

I decided to grab a fresh cup of coffee and the last gluten free chocolate chip cookies and head upstairs to my lovely new novel I’m working on.

How can this cute cat pee on everyone's beds? (This is a behavior thing, not a health thing, FYI.)

How can this cute cat pee on everyone’s beds? (This is a behavior thing, not a health thing, FYI.)

But first, I realized the pet gate in the laundry room was down. Now, normally this is a sort-of issue. But today, it is a big issue that needed to be corrected. Because old cat peed on Middlest’s bed. Again. Mister Soandso got most of the stuff in the laundry last night, but the comforter is still in the laundry basket.

I was reminded of this because Charlie was standing just inside the laundry room with that look on his face. The look that says “I smell Pepper’s pee. I think I should go eat all the cat food and then pee all over the floor. Because I am the dog and my pee shall reign supreme.”

At this moment, I had a few choices to make, and you can bet that I made the one that didn’t work out so well.

"Who me?"

“Who me?”

Instead of putting down my very full coffee cup, or the chocolate chip cookies down (because that would be gross seeing as how they were not on a plate or anything), I attempted to use my MOM-POWERS to set up the pet gate. Which pretty much means I use the last three fingers of my right hand to hold my coffee cup, whilst pinching the cookies between my index finger and thumb AND my left hand to pick up gate, balance it on my foot, while I lifted the pressure bar to get the gate in place, all the while hip-checking Charlie who is really interested in going in the room.

Alas, a cookie broke and fell on the floor, my coffee spilled, the gate pressure arm was off its track, and the dog ignored my commands (aka pleas) to not go in there.

Meanwhile, I’ve only got like an hour before I have to get the kids from point A to point B, I still haven’t got Middlest’s comforter washed, nor have I phoned Littlest’s friend to arrange a playdate (for like the millionth day in a row). Instead, I’ve eaten my remaining chocolate chip cookie, drank all the coffee, and McGyver-ed several items into heating pads for some of the worst PMS related issues I’ve had in the past thirty-five years.

So yeah, please send all your comfort foods. And Advil. I seem to have run out.

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2 thoughts on “Please Send All the Fat, Sugar and Salt

  1. I’ve had days like this, so, though I be male, can relate to said PMS issues and needing all the fat and sugar and salt and coffee, however not-so-much on the gluten-free chocolate chip cookies, but cookies nonetheless. I also have an atomic bomb shelter’s worth of ibuprofen at home thanks to a recent Costco run, but alas, not with me to drop off after work. Please accept my apologies.

  2. Bless your heart, I feel for ya. And for me, but this about you so I’ll refrain – from going there too far – or else I’ll just refrain, as in “all you need is Love! – altogether Now! All you need is love, love – All you need is love!” – that was the Beatles, you know. you kinda have to be encouraged by the Beatles, because, well, The Beatles. Hugs.

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