If you ever see me with a French pedicure, I’m being held against my will and am trying to signal you to call the police. And I don’t just mean the fashion police either. Whenever I see someone with a French pedicure, I’m pretty sure I need to stage some sort of intervention. After all, they do look like a call for help. (I’ve never seen male feet with one, but there’s no call to be sexist about bad ideas, right?)
I suppose it would be unlikely that you’d ever see me with a French pedicure for several reasons, the least of which being my shoe purchases are limited to Danskos and running shoes. If I sport a color on my toenails, it’s pretty much some variation of a burgundy or red. Go big or go home, right? But the primary reason you’d never see me wearing a French pedicure is the plain old “ick” factor.
If you don’t see a French pedicure and immediately think, “ick!” I am happy to help you.
The French pedicure derived from the French manicure. (You are following my logic, yes?)
Now, the French manicure has murky roots that vacillate in place and time. But there seem to be two constants: universal coordination with the widest variety of outfits, and a way to make the nail look longer.
I’ll give the universal accessory aspect a pass because most women are more worried about such things than myself. I am an outlier on this one. Frankly, I don’t worry if my toenails compliment my outfits. I’m much more concerned that they compliment my feet — like in the way that I forget I even have them.
But the making the nail look longer part…I just can’t let go of that one.
Who gets up in the morning and thinks, “Golly, I’m going to pay good money on a pedicure that will make people think I still need to cut my toenails?” I jest, of course, but still. Long toenails are gross, dude. In case you can’t quite imagine just what grossness is available in the internets under the category of “long toenails” I shall wait while you click on this link. (In case you’re nervous, it is a People of Walmart page, so that might be all you need to know.)
Who does this? I mean, think of the ramifications.
A bottle of nail polish lasts only three pedicures. Sock purchases are forever relegated to men’s tube socks, which we all know have limited fashion applicability. And shoes…ain’t no way a Christian Louboutin is going to go on that foot. I’m not even sure if a pair of rain boots will cover it. That means any freak, bad weather equals tying plastic bags around your flip-flops. Totally not the fashion statement many of us want to go for, trust me. And what do you wear to those fancy dress opportunities in life? I guess your flip-flops with bows or sequins. They do make some highly fashionable flip-flops these days. Of course, when you grow your toenails out to five inches or more, fashion may not be the statement you are making anyway.
My list of issues with long toenails is much longer, but I don’t want anyone to get nauseous.
I’m going to leave you with this: if you find yourself on that slippery-slope of French pedicure consideration, remember they are the equivalent of a gateway drug. You are only one pedicure away from a whole host of other bad ideas, most of which bring into question your perspective on hygiene.
Also, according to the fashion mags, French manicures and pedicures are out! out! out!. Instead, go with classic black and you know, harness your inner goth. You might find yourself rocking the black eyeliner, but at least you’ll avoid the tube socks.