This time of year makes folks get all introspective and philosophical as they take a look at their lives through their resolution glasses while attempting to zip themselves back into their mysteriously snug pants. A time of year when people resolve to overhaul everything in their lives from their circumference to their credit score. I know because I’ve been doing the same thing for years now. Except I always make the same resolutions–and why not? They are good ones. Of course, in all these years, I’ve yet to actually attain those resolutions. Which then makes me add another resolution to my list: stop failing to accomplish anything. I keep this up and by the time I’m raising havoc in the retirement home, I’ll have to start reciting my list of resolutions on Boxing Day.
I think this year I’m going to try something different. I think I’m going to pick better resolutions to resolve. Perhaps that is the key to not needing to crown myself “Queen Resolution Fail”.
- In 2011, I resolve to not leave the wet laundry in the washing machine so long that prayer is required before opening the lid.
- In 2011, I resolve to vacuum each room in my house at least once a month.
- In 2011, I resolve to not eat french fries with ketchup while driving slightly above the speed limit en route to a child’s appointment.
- Same goes with a cup of yogurt.
- I resolve to find a horizontal surface in my home or office at least once a day. This means I shall remove all items which stand between my eyes and that surface. This is a big resolution so I give myself this caveat: the surface only has to be one square foot in size and may include carpet.
- In 2011, I hereby solemnly swear that I will ensure there is a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom before anyone might call out for my assistance. It does not need to be on the roll or even in proximity to the commode–somewhere in the room is fine.
- In 2011, I resolve to give the cat her hairball remedy preventively instead of after she horks up a hairball on my son’s pillow.
- I will stop buying vegetables that are destined to become soup in my vegetable crisper.
- In 2011, I resolve to not order flatulence producing meals and side dishes at dinner on the “dinner and a movie” date nights.
- In the year 2011, I resolve to get more than 7 hours of sleep more than once a week. In conjunction, I resolve to read more in daylight hours. While not in the bathroom or driving children to appointments.
There. That should keep me busy. I think that if I’m able to successfully put those 10 things in my “succeeded” column at the close of 2011, I will be a better person. I will at least not be quite the Queen of Resolution Fail. More like a princess or baroness.
Of course, when I put on my resolution glasses, I only look at the bits and pieces of my life that can be easily improved. For the stuff that would really make a big difference, I’m going to need a stronger prescription and better vision coverage on my insurance. So chances are, I’m still going to be the queen of something in 2011, if only the Queen of Pantry Organization Fail.
Feel free to add some real resolutions in the comments. Perhaps I’ll have to crown a “winner” of the best real resolution.