Hallowed Halloween

This is the time of year when I find myself to be one of the “outsiders” and I’m not talking about the movie.  I’m talking about being the person who, sing it with me, is not like the others.  Because I don’t like Halloween.  The candy action is good, but the rest of it? Meh.

And let me tell you, there is nothing like being the only one of something…it’s a challenge.  I don’t pretend to think that this one aspect of my life is really all that traumatic, because it isn’t.  It’s nothing like how my dear friend and fellow comedian Betsy Semon Kauffman explains her experiences growing up to have been.  (She’s awesome, isn’t she?  I love when I get to take the stage with you Betsy!!!)  But still, I sometimes feel like I have to whisper, or even just keep to myself, my lack of love for Halloween.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to love Halloween.  Because I have.  Many, many times.  And yet, every Halloween is pretty much the same:  me feeling like there is just some small part that I don’t get.  Namely, the part that makes everybody gaga over the day.

I’m the kid who hated being scared, the kid who dressed up as a Rubik’s Cube when everybody else was a ghost, the kid who got all the boxes of raisins and Bit O’ Honeys.  As a grown-up, I’m the one who gets the mean Trick-or-Treaters, the defective strobe lights and the bag of candy rejects with only three Skittles in each snack-sized bag.

So, it comes as no surprise to this poor Halloween reveler, that this year looks to be no exception.  Mister Soandso wants to go to our first ever (yes, I am aware of just how sad this is) Halloween party.  So he has sweet-talked me into going in costume, the whole bit.

Exhibit A

Yesterday, part of my costume arrived via the USPS.  Right away, I noticed that Houston is not the only one with a problem.  First off, as I removed it from the (@#$%^*@) packaging, part of it fell off.  See exhibit A.

Now, I fully realize that when it comes to wigs, you get what you pay for.  It will come as no surprise to any of you that since Halloween ranks around picking up dog poop and gutter cleaning, there was no way I wanted to spend much money on transforming my appearance from middle-aged grey haired mother of three into something much more fun and exciting.

Apparently, I should have ponied up more cash.  This wig is losing more hair than a Golden Retriever during a heat wave.

Every time I move the darn thing, more of its glory is lost.  And let me tell you, it’s a commodity in short supply.

After assessing the quality workmanship of my lovely new ‘do, I spent quite a bit of time with my good friend, Google, trying to figure out a solution.  And you know what?  Of the seventeen kajillion sites I visited, the advice seems evenly split and diametrically opposed.

Well, isn’t that nifty?

It sure isn’t improving my “Halloween sucks!” attitude, let me tell you.

I’m pretty sure that this year will once again prove to me that my kids are evil when highly sugared, high school boys should never trick-or-treat in borrowed tutus, and you shouldn’t hope for even a minuscule amount of attractiveness at at costume party.  At least not if this wig (Exhibit B) is part of your costume.

Exhibit B

10 thoughts on “Hallowed Halloween

  1. So glad to know it is not just me that hates halloween. Like you, I hate being scared, I always have the mean kids come to my door and even as a kid I didn’t like to dress up. So now we know there at least two of us. Maybe we can start a club or something…but no, wait, I don’t like joining things either. Oh well.

  2. Do I dare ask what the costume is? Anyways Exhibit B sure did a laugh out loud chuckle. I am not one who likes to dress up very much- but I do enjoy watching others!

  3. What can I say, as a child, Halloween had me at “candy” and was firmly cemented by “reason to dress up.” Now I love to see my 3.5 year old’s excitement at dressing up in costume. It made for a priceless moment last year while in the midst of trick-or-treating, my mini 2.5 year old Buzz Lightyear flopped onto the sidewalk, sat down, hung his head dejectedly and said “I’m just a stupid toy.” He had the adults rolling with laughter.

    How can that not be fun? 🙂

    Love the wig, BTW, although my mommy brain cannot fathom what character you’re going for, unless it’s Annie….

  4. Dang! No fair! I shoulda been first, but I was out.

    I can’t believe anyone hates a holiday that centers around candy. Just sayin’. 😉

  5. Dang! No fair–I shoulda been first! I was out.

    And I can’t believe anyone could hate a holiday that centers around candy. Just sayin’. 😉

  6. When our daughter was four years old (44 years ago) she had a stoned crazy hippie baby sitter who feuded with her more or less normal neighbors. (Yes, I know, what we we thinking? Well, we were young and stupid also.) For her first Halloween costume , our child wore “bunny suit” style pajamas as a costume, deciding decided she was a cat. Mom drew whiskers on kidlet so people could tell she was a cat and not a rabbit. It was a perfect recipe for a Halloween Costume Fail.

    As we went from house to house, people kept saying, “What a cute bunny!”much to her irritation.

    “I AM NOT A BUNNY! I AM A KITTY!” she would declaim with four year old indignation. When we stopped at the baby sitter’s house for cider and a chat, the baby sitter, snarling about her latest neighborhood feud said, “Did you trick or treat at the old bitch’s house? I want to know what she is giving out.” (Four year old was quiet but big ears were listening intently.)
    We knocked on the door of said neighbor. The lights were out; there was no answer. We reported and headed home.

    On the way back we encountered two grandmas with a convoy of about eight young trick or treaters. One of the grandmas approached us and examined our daughter’s costume. “Oh, what a cute bunny!” she exclaimed with admiration.

    My daughter was tired and on a sugar high and this was the last straw. She drew herself up to her full four year old height and in a voice that could be heard for blocks, declaimed, “I AM NOT A BUNNY! I AM A BITCH!”

    Needless to say, mom and dad just kept walking, pretending the little girl holding our hands was a complete stranger who had attached herself to us on Halloween night as a trick, I guess.

  7. You’re going for the scary burning head look I see. Very effective. Though may prompt buckets of water.

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