The past few days have been filled with sad — not necessarily for me personally, but for people I know or “cyber-know.” A really fabulous writer, Cynthia Reese, whom I follow on Twitter (and who shared with me her lasagna recipe which I used in part to make that really fab lasagna a few months ago) challenged us to send her ideas for her blog that would leave folks LOLing*. Which got me thinking about how long it has been since I’ve been funny on here.
Did I break my funny bone and just not notice the pain?
It appears to be the case. So, I resolved to find something funny in my life to write about for today’s post. In case you’re wondering, I’m still looking.
But a few things, really just tidbits verging on tepid humor, came to mind. So, I shall now share them with you. There’s no order here folks, because this is me you’re reading. But let me know if any of them have you LOLing*. A ROFLMAO* may be too much to hope for on this post. In fact, you may indeed only muster up a TLC*. But I since I’m working here with a broken funny bone, cut me some slack or throw me a, ahem, bone. (If possible, can you make it the humerus bone instead of a femur or radius? Thanks!)
For the uninitiated, such as my mother (if she actually read this post– which is unlikely because she has dial-up and only plays Solitaire on the computer anyway) let me explain the above * terms. LOL means “laugh out loud” so LOLing means that you are, indeed, laughing out loud. Turns out, folks don’t actually laugh out loud when they read LOL, but that’s what it means. ROFLMAO means “rolling on floor, laughing my @ss off” which also doesn’t mean any floor rolling ensues. See how these measuring devices of humor are actually pretty disingenuous? And TLC is my own creation for “tiny little chuckle” which is what usually happens when I tell a joke.
So enough already and let’s get to the LOLing!
1. If you cannot have a spare room in your house to designate as the “guest bedroom,” it is perhaps not the best choice to use your pack-rat-of-mammoth-proportions daughter’s bedroom. Because every so often, you shall have to go unbury the floor in order that your great aunt Martha can stay the night. In my case, my little pack-rat is also quite artistic. Which means that all cleaning of said room must be done with a stealth-operation that could show the US government a thing or two. Not quite sure what I mean? Well, my daughter is forever creating treasures. Like an 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of paper with a 1 inch purple squiggly line on it. So not only has she used a completely good piece of paper out of the printer to squiggle upon, but if you should want to reduce, reuse, or recycle it, she will come unglued over the prospect of losing one of her most precious drawings evah!
2. If you want to keep peace and tranquility a viable aspect of your home life, I recommend damaging your hearing by listening to heavy metal music too loudly through your ear-buds and then cleaning your ears by fully inserting Q-tips into the ear canals. Such recklessness will then allow you to chose when to actually hear your children bickering. Today, two of my kids had complete melt-downs over just how I made their toast this morning. (For pete’s sake! At least I remembered to feed them while it was still morning! Where’s my partial credit?) One was distraught over my having pushed the toaster lever down without her and the other went ballistic because he didn’t have butter all the way to the crust – which he won’t eat anyway. If I had hearing loss, it would have been a perfect time to adjust their volume to a much more pleasant level. Like something short of 120 decibels (btw, 130 decibels is “painful and leads to immediate hearing loss”). Please note, I don’t actually think you should destroy your hearing. This is sarcasm. Something akin to satire such as Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal so please don’t hate on me. Thanks, I already have 3 kids doing that for me.
3. And if you are busily cleaning out your mom-van, you might want to find ways of distracting your children. I’m thinking that duct tape could actually work here, but I’m too chicken to find out. Since I didn’t, I had two helpers crawling all over the van pushing buttons and wiping upholstery with old tee-shirts. Which seems like a great idea to keep your kids involved and inspire the life-long skill of cleaning. Until you go out in the morning and have a very dead battery. It turns out that in full daylight, it is a bit of a challenge to see if any dome lights are on in the van. In this case, all seven were. No wonder that battery was more dead than any smooshed bug on the front bumper after a long road trip.
4. Summer and mornings mean that every spare second you have to either work, write, or nap will be interrupted by your children home on summer break or by folks calling or ringing the door bell. This week has been especially busy on both fronts seeing as we have an election next week. My favorite this morning? Phone rings and after that predictably long pause, a disembodied voice calls out just about a half-second before my hand got the phone back into the phone cradle. “Yes, is Mister Soandso there?” After the toast and the car battery and the lack of sleep this week, I felt the only correct answer was this: “Well, actually no. You see, Mister Soandso happens to be gainfully employed which means you would have to interrupt his busy day at his place of employment to ask him to buy the unemployment protection plan for the credit card we don’t use. But then, that just might get his hiney unemployed for receiving personal phone calls at work. So you must be on the anti-economic-stimulus-plan Mister Phone Solicitor.” “Well now, m’am, you don’t need to be upset about this, all I want to do is talk to the man of the house.” “Can you hang on for a second while I get somebody else to talk to you since I’m just too upset to talk right now?” “Well, now sure. I can hang on for a bit while you go get someone else.” “Hey [insert name of 4 year old]! There is somebody on the phone that wants to talk to you!”
Okay, so that last little phone conversation bit didn’t really go down like that, but some parts of it are true. You can take your pick of what you want to believe.
I agree – this isn’t probably a very LOLing post. But like I said, I seem to have broken my funny bone. And since neither my kids nor the nice man on the phone has been very helpful in fixing my broken funny bone, this is the best I can do today.
Do me a favor and leave a LOLer in the comments field – we could all use some LOLing around here.