The “That Didn’t Work So Well, Now Did It?” Club

As most parents know, desperation can lead to lots of great ideas and a coordinating number of not so great ideas.  Like how the other day I saw a mom needing to change an obviously leaking diaper on her wee one sitting in her “baby bucket” aka car seat..  We were at the park and she must have forgotten to pack 80% of her possessions for the outing because I saw her scanning the area for a good place to change the baby, before doing that little mental shrug and whipping the tabs down on the then unbuckled baby.  Probably would have worked like a charm except that the angel had done that human fire hose thing that leaves mustard-like goo from crotch to neck.  Yep, you guessed it.  That poor mom had a way bigger mess to clean up after that little brainstorm.

Myself, I have so dang many moments like that it should be hard to add any more to my mental file cabinet labeled “Doh! Moments”.  But, I keep finding a way to add more.

Some of my little traumas haven’t really been that dastardly, but have left their mark on my cerebral self.  Like painting your toenails on your way out the door.  Heaven forbid you actually take off your shoes which leaves the world to see how only a portion of the toes on each foot is flaming red.  But hey, it worked in  a pinch, right?

Another great snafu (which I didn’t do, but will share with you) happened to a very nice person who shall remain nameless.  This person is very shy and easily mortified, so we’ll just call the poor hapless soul “Red” in honor of the color-me-embarrassed element.  Red is a heavy sweater, and I don’t mean in the cardigan sense.  Situations where Red has to talk to lots of folks, or stand before an audience, or even order a combo meal have the potential to leave Red dripping in sweat.  So, Red being the cerebral type as well, comes up with a great idea.  I mean, honest to goodness, good ole American ingenuity.   Red is having this power meeting with a lady and Red is out of those sweat shields you can affix to your clothing to minimize the perspiration  damage.  Hmm, what else would work?  Think, think.  Oh yeah, panty-liners!  Eureka.  Except that after a few hours of wearing one’s jacket, Red found out again what all women have learned – sometimes panty-liners move around a bit.  And while finding your panty-liner heading north up the great divide is uncomfortable, removing your jacket only to find two panty liners stuck to your sides is quite another.  Boy, try to look nonchalant while removing that little sticky situation.

Now THESE women probably could have done it.

Now THESE women probably could have done it.

Whenever I start to get a bit of milage out of this little story, laughing at someone else’s pain as it were, my husband trots out one of my many Doh! moments.  One of his favorites includes 2 items of physical fitness:  a treadmill and a pair of roller blades.  Now, before you start to judge, let’s just put a few things out on the table.  First off, I am not graceful in any way shape or size.  In face, I just might be grace-less.  So be it.  But I have a bit of tenacity for stupidity.  These don’t really complement one another.  This story takes place in Minnesota in February.  In case you’ve been living under a rock or are a 1st grader (in which case, what the hell are you doing reading this pabulum for the masses I ask?), February in Minnesota means one thing:  snow, and often lots of it.  I was hankering for some way of down-grading my thighs from extra-large to large so I had one of my own “Eureka!” moments.  Which unfortunately was a bad idea.  You see, it isn’t really possible to rollerblade on your treadmill, regardless of speed or incline.  Yeah.

As a parent, I have lots of little moments that just didn’t work out quite like I’d hoped.  You know, like trying to fake the kids into believing spaghetti squash was just spaghetti noodles.  Or putting store brand sandwich cookies in the left-over Oreo bag.  Damn, $1.89 down the drain.  Or what about those cheap diapers that basically only filter the tinkle before it soaks all the linens?  Or taking your children with you to purchase a gift for a birthday party?  Is there any way to get all 3 to buy into the idea that “We’re only here for little Suzy’s birthday present?  You can put that item on  your wish list.”  Yeah, I’m sure the Toys R Us employees are still trying to get a Worker’s Comp claim to cover the hearing damage that little trip generated.

So, what about you?  You have any parenting experiences that didn’t work out so well?  Go on, fess up.  You know you’re dying to join the club!

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