Tales from the Stretch-Mark-Mobile

I don’t know about the rest of you moms and dads out there, but I never thought I’d covet other people’s vehicles so much.  Really, it used to be that what I drove only had to get good gas mileage and have ABS brakes.  An AM/FM radio was a plus, but I could make up for such deficiencies by just singing along with the voices in my head.  All that changed when I found I was pregnant with our third child.  Suddenly, getting three car seats far enough apart from one another became cause enough to give up my slightly cooler vehicle for what I like to think of as the “Stretch-Mark-Mobile.”

Now, I don’t want to generate a whole bunch of hateful comments here, but driving a mini-van does not imbue a gal with a level of “sexy-ness” that I am looking for.  I mean, I’m nearing 41, I need all the help I can get.  And chauffeuring my three angels around in my “mom-van” pretty much sucks whatever sexy I had, right out of me.

2010 Honda Odyssey

2010 Honda Odyssey

Now, this is NOT my “Stretch-Mark-Mobile,” aka “mom-van”.  This is brand spanking new and has no melted crayons on the backseat floor, nor any pulverized goldfish crackers between any seat cushions.  However, it is the newer cousin of my van.  I have to admit, driving a “mom-van” is darn practical and not much can beat being able to click a button and have the two older kiddos bail in whilst I am wrangling the 3 year old who has removed his shoes for the umpteenth time for the morning.  But, aside from the covet-factor from moms who don’t have sliding doors or factory installed DVD systems, not too many folks out there get excited over my ride.  I know this for a fact.

How you wonder?  Oh, it might be the laughing teenagers, or the bumper stickers that assert “Mini-vans are the DEVIL!”  Or, it could be such as today when I realized a man was checking me out, only to promptly look away when he realized I was approaching my mom-van.  It’s like he put two and two together and realized I had stretch marks to blame for my over-sized trunk.

I think my biggest gripe is the fact that no mini-vans out there come in hybrid forms.  Hello?  Who drives in stop-and-go traffic most?  Who takes frequent short trips with lots of braking?  Moms, that’s who!  In fact, I’d had my mom-van for two years before I took it on a road trip longer than the 2.6 miles between my house and the nearest grocery store.

Instead of good gas mileage, they give the moms a V6 or V8.  Like we need to be able to drive home FASTER from the store.  Quick, the ice cream is melting!

So, don’t mind me.  I’m going to go spend some quality time vacuuming out the seats of my mom-van, all the while trying to bend over past my once-flat, but now marked by stretching belly.