The REAL Secret – Revealed

If you have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex for more than a month, or perhaps just longer than 12 minutes, you may have noticed that while the two genders seem to coexist in a natural balance, something just isn’t quite right.  As in, I don’t think we’re from different planets.  Nope.  I think we might be different species.  So, just like living with say a gorilla might have it’s challenges, so does living with your significant other.

I’ve been married for 16 years and for the most part, I can say things have been as peachy-keen as you could ask for out of a relationship.  Well, there is that leaving the cupboard doors open thing, but whatever.  We don’t fight, we enjoy spending time with one another, heck we still even think one another is cute.  It’s just that sometimes I look at that man and think to myself, “Is he nuts?”

Funny thing is, he wonders the same thing about me.

If you are in a heterosexual relationship and have ever wondered why things just aren’t working quite as well as they used to, well, let me spell it out for you.  L-I-B-I -D-O.

The problem is that women and men’s libidos just don’t function in the same ways.  Well, perhaps it is more accurate to say that most men’s function at a different rate than most women’s. To use an analogy, I have found (through some terribly scientific research methods such as hanging out in coffee shops and shamelessly eavesdropping on others) that men’s libidos are like muscles cars – the point is just how fast and how often the engine can go.  Women’s are much more like 4-cylinder fuel misers – take one’s time, get there eventually and enjoy the scenery along the way.

Not only that, but for men, their differing libido pretty much means that sex fixes any problem.  Bad day at work, sex will help.  Feeling paunchy, sex will make it all better.  Taxes due in eight months, sex will help keep the IRS at bay.  The list goes one.  Headaches, groin pulls, balding pates, the Detroit Lion’s season, anything is improved with a tumble in the sheets.

For women, hmm.  How can I put this gently.  Not so much.  Oh don’t get me wrong, women enjoy such things, it just isn’t the be-all and end-all of our days.  Laundry is.  So, sex doesn’t exactly improve our days – it is just one more thing to do.

I know this is an extreme position – but if men and women are ever to find true happiness together, then a basic truth must be accepted.  We are not cut from the same cloth, let alone rib.  I mean, how can two nearly identical collections of chromosomes be so different from one another?  So men, if you want your ladies to reciprocate in kind, you must make a few concessions.  Just like you would only put a high-octane fuel in a European sports car to get it to purr, well, your lady needs some special attention as well.

Please feel free to print this out as a handy reference guide.

1.  Vacuum more.  Or, if your lady likes vacuuming (you never know), wash the dishes, fold the laundry, scrub the toilet, whatever.  The point is, think of the stuff you never do, or only do when she asks you to do it, and just go do it.  If you want her to be panting for you, do it before it actually needs being done.  That means, before you would notice the need.  So, put this on your PDA right after the lunch meeting and other high-brow stuff:  do more around the house.  Seriously.  Way cheaper than flowers or jewelry and works like a charm.

2.  Sweet talk her.  And then act like you are not looking for any s-e-x out of it.  This will take some supreme acting on your part, but you can do it.  Keep this up for a few days and it will pay off.  Trust me.

3.  Watch a “chick-flick” with her while cuddling.  If needed, channel your favorite horror/martial arts/western movie in your own little world, but make her think you’re into the moment.  Keep your hands limited to first base and you may get the signal to bring it on home.

4.  Think back to the first time you ever laid eyes on her and thought your heart had stopped beating.  Repeat.

Women are actually pretty easy to figure out.  We are like cats.  You know, look like we want to be petted, but then sit just out of reach.  Men are more like dogs, run up and jump on anything that looks friendly.  You don’t have to be a cat-whisperer to figure this out – be friendly but don’t try to fondle ’em.  In no time, she’ll be wrapping herself around your legs, tripping you.  And if it isn’t working quite as fast as you’d like, turn the vacuum on.