Sex and Exercise and Thin Thighs, Oh My!

You just never know what you are going to come across these days.  Well, you might have a good idea if you open a story with the word “sex” in the headline, but you know what I mean.  Which is really pretty funny when you think about it, because “sex” actually refers to one’s gender.  You have to add “intercourse” for sex to be, well, you know what.  But, that is the kind of thing that only matters to a finite number of us – namely English teachers and such.

So sex.  What’s the mystique, right?  Oh, don’t try to deny that you think about it – and some of you quite often.  If we humans weren’t so interested in sex (using the term loosely, I know), think of all the industries that would need to diversify.  Just the whiff of something sexy is likely to catch our attention better than a loaded hot dog at the ball game.  And if you’re like so many, you try to pass off your interest on just “reading the articles”.  Uhuh. 

But the best article I’ve recently read about sex I found yesterday out at my favorite little spot on the web:  (Those folks need to start paying me for all this free advertising I’m giving them!)  Anyhoo, apparently Patrick Hogan’s article, “Hump Your Way to a Better Looking Body” caught someone’s attention enough that it was shared for the general public’s viewing pleasure.  Of course I had to read it – it was an article for pete’s sake.  

Wow, who knew that one could really try to get in shape by having sexual intercourse of all things?  I mean, the ladies have all heard this ploy a time or two, but does it really work?  At my current weight, I may actually be willing to try just about anything to drop a pound or two – somebody, quick distract me from this crazy idea with a cookie!  (Of course, people are now willingly  injecting botulism into their faces, so the dream of improvement definitely unleashes our “crazy” sides.)  So, in the pursuit of knowledge and the possible key to freedom from the “husky” section, I read Mr. Hogan’s article.

Hmm.  Then I had to open the “Screw the Gym” page just to see what that was all about.  Yes, I do think I would burn a few calories doing some of those moves.  I would probably collapse in a very un-sexy heap trying that Female Crab Position, but if it gave me great looking arms, I may have to try it.  Of course, at my age, I should probably start with something safer and build up my stamina.  I’m thinking laying on the floor watching tv might be the place to start.  Perhaps holding a bar of chocolate in each hand to push myself a bit more.

Seriously, can a person use sex as a form of exercise?  You would be amazed at how many people write about the caloric expenditures of sexual activity.  I’m not known for my mathematical expertise by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m thinking it was their imaginations that were really getting the workouts on some of those pages.  (Go Google it yourself if you don’t believe me!)  However, I did come across this little nugget of seemingly useful information:  “On average, engaging in sex for one half hour burns approximately 150 calories.”  Yahoo!  It also allows you to compare other activities you may engage in more often to give you a comparison.  You know, considering housework only burns a measly 111 calories, that sure doesn’t give me much incentive to go clean my house.  Actually, if I did anything for 30 minutes, I would probably stand a good chance of getting myself into better shape.  The chance of 30 minutes of sexual activity is a stretch around here these days – we have three kids, mind you.  Unless, of course, thinking about sex for 30 minutes does the trick.  If so, watch out come bikini season!  Yeah, that osmosis thing didn’t work so well for getting good grades in Biology either.

But, in the pursuit of thin thighs, I guess I should just get off my duff and get busy.  I’m not saying what I’ll be getting busy doing, but suffice it to say, we could all use to be burning more calories.  Especially if you’re like me and still suffering the effects of the sugar coma that the holidays brought with them.