I Will Wish As A Mother

My middle child is home sick today. This is the child who tries to negotiate with illness so that she doesn’t miss school. The child who once came down with scarlet fever while we were on vacation…who knows how long she was actually sick before she finally succumbed. She is not and never has been one to appreciate much attention while she’s sick. Just leave her alone and let her sleep.

Which is something I can fully support seeing as that’s how I like to deal with illness. Just leave me alone and let me sleep.

But today, more than anything I want to ignore her wishes. Instead, I wish I could scoop her up in my arms and hold her close. To sit so long and so very still that I can actually feel her heart beating, feel that subtle shake a body makes when it is still of everything beside a tiny breath and a steady heart beat. Continue reading

Baby Hands and Seeing Possibilities

I am not the sort of mother to ask other mothers if I can hold their babies. I do like babies and I think they are cute. I just don’t need to feel another tiny body in my arms, to hear that sweet snuffling sound they make in their sleep. I don’t need to smell the top of a baby’s head to be reminded that there is a heaven and it rests within each of us in the form of possibility.

I am not that sort of mother. At least not normally. Continue reading

Praying For Rain

The sky outside my window is gray, but the sun is stubbornly trying to break through. From the blue stripes, it looks like the sun will win.

The sun needs to lose. At least for a few days. Because what we need right now isn’t more sun. We need rain. We desperately need a week of gentle but steady rain because my corner of the world is on fire.

Here in the northwest, fire is not an uncommon thing. Fire season technically starts in September, but this year September came early and all those beautiful trees are very, very dry. And so are the grasses and sage brush and all the other growing things that makes the northwest such a very beautiful and cherished place in this world.

And so very much of it is on fire right now. Continue reading

Focus On What Lasts

Things have been hard lately. I won’t pretend that a bunch of that hardness hasn’t been manufactured solely in my own head. But it still is real, regardless.

It’s the end of the school year, schedules are exploding, high stakes tests are everywhere, some friendships/relationships seem to be fading, and I am so tired of packing school lunches I actually told Biggest that “I am tired of feeding you people lunch.” To which he replied, “We’re tired of eating, too. It’s so boring.”

If I had Bailey’s in the house, I’d be spiking my morning coffee. Continue reading

Crap on a Cracker!

Do you have a favorite idiom? I have many, and if I can’t think of one, I am very comfortable making one up. Of course, this skill is more often due to my inability to remember real idioms during my time of need, but whatever. I think my new favorite was the time I was irritated while driving. (As an aside, the older I get, the crankier I get while driving. Oldest wagers that by the time I’m 80, I’ll get out at traffic lights and harangue other drivers and then whack their cars with my cane. He may be on to something.) I was trying to clean up my notoriously potty-mouth and instead of shouting to the imbecile with car keys the error of his ways, I instead hollered “crap on a cracker!” (I grew up hearing ‘Christ on a cross’ often…so I suppose the alliteration stayed with me?) Continue reading

Nothing’s Concrete

Today, they are pouring concrete at my house. After living here for nearly five months, I am finally getting the rest of my driveway poured. No, the builder didn’t forget me. This is what happens when you own a “flag” lot – you have to wait for the house next to you to finally get finished before the rest of the driveway is poured. When you see all the heavy equipment that is brought on site to build a house, this makes complete sense. It’s also a pain in the butt.

I am so excited by the thought of a no more gravel being tracked in the house. I realize this might be a fantasy and that the gravel will simply turn to bark dust or dirt or plain ole dust bunnies, but I do like to think that the future will be a bit easier, even if only in how much upkeep is required. Continue reading

As Long As I’m Living

Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the United States. It marked my 15th Mother’s Day and I have to say, that is a weird thing to type. Well, the 15th part is weird. Fifteen times I’ve “celebrated” Mother’s Day as a mother? No way. And, yet, it is true.

I have a few crystalline Mother’s Day memories. The first was when Mister Soandso was my handsome boyfriend and showed me a book he was mailing home to his mom for Mother’s Day. It was Robert Munsch’s I’ll Love You Forever. If you are wondering how many pages I got through before I was crying, I think the number was something close to none. If you don’t know the story behind the book, please read here.

The beauty of that book, besides all the freaking beautiful parts of it, is that every person who has ever read the book makes up their own song to sing while reading it and that’s exactly how Mr. Munsch thinks it should be. That’s a universal story, right there folks. Continue reading