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Football and Cheese Product

February 3, 2014

This is not another blog post about the Super Bowl. I know, that title up there might beg to differ, but I’m here to tell you that I’m not going to write about yesterday’s Super Bowl.

Except for one little, tiny aspect of the game: the food that always seems to accompany our football inspired gatherings and other family holidays.

It is only because of things like football and holidays that I would ever consider eating something labeled as a pasteurized cheese product.

Because that shit isn’t actually food. Who are we kidding, right? It’s a bunch of wobbly orange plastic that tastes like regret.

I’m pretty sure the first actual food item I ever made that required a recipe and a completely unfoodlike food product is that ubiquitous mid-western “hot dish” known as Broccoli and Rice Hotdish/Casserole. You know the one – one can of Lutheran Glue, aka cream of mushroom soup, broccoli, rice, a jar of pasteurized cheese product, et cetera. Go on, you know you want to Google it so you can whip up a batch.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d eaten plenty of non-food food in my lifetime prior to moving to Minnesota. I have very fond childhood memories of grilled Velveeta cheese sandwiches oozing cheese product onto my plate next to my reconstituted canned tomato soup. But there is something wrong about a recipe to the effect of “mix a bunch of real food items with some liquidized plastic, heat to 350 degrees, and then ingest.”

Anyhoo, that broccoli rice casserole has a place in the holiday food rotation for my husband’s family and I have to admit, it is quite tasty. And as most married folks know, you can’t really mess with the in-law’s family traditions too much or all hell breaks loose. (I did, however make two batches of the concoction a few Thanksgivings ago. You guessed it, the casserole made with real cheese was gone and the one made with pasteurized cheese product was barely touched. So if you’re wondering which one tastes better, there’s some anecdotal evidence for ya.)

So why am I writing about the mundanities of cheese product today? Raise your hand if you ate some amount of tortilla chips with queso dip on them. Now raise your hand if your stomach is not very happy with you today.

Yep, that damn queso dip made in the crock-pot with a block of Velveeta pasteurized cheese product and a can of Rotel tomatoes was pretty tasty yesterday. Today, however, I am swearing off fake food. (Once again, it seems.) In fact, I may swear off all food for a few days or until my pants zip again or I buy more yoga pants, whichever happens first.

How about we all pinkie swear that we won’t eat anything made in a laboratory for at least another 6 months or until the Cadbury Eggs hit the shelves again, deal?

*I don’t actually eat Cadbury Eggs, but I know that many of you do. However, if you are like me, feel free to substitute whatever other horrific holiday food you adore and look forward to eating all year long. Seriously people, it’s no wonder we all have health issues. Personally, I need to figure out how to crave carrot sticks — my tummy and waistband would really appreciate that.

  1. February 4, 2014 at 2:18 am

    Bless us all in the holiday comfort food – I especially love “Lutheran glue – cream of mushroom soup”. This is so true. I can’t have it much anymore, but I do remember how pretty much any kind of meat is better, fancier, when viewed from 1965, over a bed of rice smothered in mushroom soup from a red and white can and browned to just going crunchy on top. Oh, and meat loaf with a wide stripe of ketchup on top, also with a slight touch of crunchy on top.

    And yes, real food is better.

    Thanks, Kristina

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