Ten Minute Missive

I am an observant person.  It’s not so much of an inherent skill as much as a learned behavior.  As in I would have been a groovy Boy Scout or Zombie hunter.  Too bad I’m not a boy and have an aversion to the undead and making them more dead. The unfortunate thing is that I observe the kind of crap that is never going to do me any good.  If I were to overhear somebody recite their debit card PIN, there is no way that kind of information is going to make any progress getting from my short term to long term memory.  But if you have your bra strap twisted under your sweater set, and I’m all over that nugget of information.

So you can imagine just how observant I am in a confined situation such as the car.  Yes, I notice all kinds of things about my fellow drivers.

A few bits of cautionary advice, in case there are other observant drivers out there.  Watching you.  Please note if you’ve been doing any of the following and curtail such behaviors.  Because you’re driving me crazy.

1.  When driving, it is best to remember that one’s facial features are visible to others.  So if you, in the angst of yet another commute from the office, happen to relax all muscles in your face, I will notice your drooping lower lip hanging over your chin.  It isn’t your best look and you really should consider flossing.

2.  No one is good at texting and driving.  I’m pretty sure the success rate for sexting while driving is even lower.  Waxing isn’t, by the way, as painful as you might think.

3.  When opening and then passing a carbonated beverage to the young passenger in the back seat, please ensure the can hasn’t been shaken for the past 30 miles.  It makes a very interesting splatter design on your back window and scares the hell out of the drivers behind you.  It was visions of Pulp Fiction all over again, but with Orange Crush.

4.  Parallel parking is not that great of a challenge.  Especially not for the drivers of Cooper Minis.  Unless they are you, Miss Oregon driver who had to have her passengers get out of the car to direct her into a space bracketed by loading zones.  Dear gawd, that was painful to watch.

5.  Other drivers love to pass you – after you’ve been pulled over for driving in the HOV lane.  With your dog sitting in the front seat.  I’m fairly certain that being man’s best friend doesn’t qualify for the car pool lane.